For Real Heartland Consumer Sacrifice

Well, I’ll give up my drive-thru lunch a coupla days each week

Just sos that I can take the OHV out with the boys on Saturday afternoon

I can get the old lady to cook shit out of cans or maybe even from like raw stuff

Instead of nuking up them pricey microwave dinners that we really like

Turning off the diesel sometimes instead of idling in air-conditioned comfort

Just to save a teeny bit of that there artificially expensive fuel

Adjusted my thermostat even though the kids just set there whining

Had to make some changes cause the bill’s gone through the roof

Gonna turn off the big screen when we’re not at home and maybe unplug it at night

Damn electric keeps on going up every single month

Ta hell with that fancypants overpriced organic shit

My kids’ll do just fine on white bread and them plastic-coated, factory-extruded hamburg logs

Look, I’m even walking all the way back out to the stinkin mailbox

Drivin to grammaws instead of flyin - Which I hated anyway

Cant afford to trade in my 2 year old SUV even if it does only get 10 MPG

So, but now I’m tryin to drive less than 20 thousand miles a year

Cutting back to generic cookies and not watching so many pay-per-views

That liberal climate conspiracy is costing us all a whole lot of money every day

The old lady’s not getting botoxed and her toenails got the colora yella baby shit

Gotta start savin somewhere, so first I cut out that stupid fitness center I never go to

It’s for sure we won’t be attendin that awesome church ski vacation this year

But we’ll still be able to ride our jet skis a few weekends out to the lake

Wonderin about this family plan that costs $200 a month for a coupla phones

After all I just spent 600 bucks on school sneakers the kids tore up in a week

Have to share less quality time with my boys now that bullets are $4 each

I’ll make it up to them though, at home playing them shooter video games together

Switching credit cards to get a lower rate for at least the next six months

Oughta free up some extry cash for when our mortgage rate resets again

Cuttin back on pert near everything just like they slashed my job and downsized my life

But still got enough time to catch NASCAR and the good old NFL on the bigscreen with a cold one

However, not gonna enjoy them growlin snow machines as often since they was repossessed

Waitin for the real belt-tightenin ta begin since them tax and spenders are in control

Cut out the produce and the fruits too - sos we could still have chips, cokes and Budweiser

Only seein the frickin ripoff dentist again when I cant stand the pain no more

Gotdamm dogs’ll have to get by cause they ain’t going to the vet again this year, either

Look - We’re makin some real sacrifices up in the heartland for the good of family, god and country

The Most Unthinkable Ultimate Weapon

Some crackpot wacko researcher has gone and done the unthinkable deed at last

And now it’s up to us to make sure this thing doesn’t fall into terrorist hands

Turns out it’s really quite simple to make and way too easy to secretly transport

We got to retain tight control of this invention or our precious liberty is surely at risk

The mad scientists have gone and let an evil genie out of the bottle once again

Proliferation cannot be an option for the freedom loving peoples of the world

If our enemies get hold of this, it will threaten our traditional family values

We alone must retain control of this awful power - for the benefit of all mankind

Our strategic analysts warn of its terrible consequences for our military establishment

It’s just the kind of thing that the one-worlders have been wanting for use against us

This weapon could upset our carefully crafted, fear-based global power balance

It will put the people of our sacred fatherland at the mercy of the godless heathen

There’s no denying its potential to do good if we were to use it in the proper manner

But, in the hands of radicals, it would represent a clear and present danger

Its proliferation would pose the gravest threat of any doomsday scenario yet

Mr. President, we must act at once to halt the spread of this terrible innovation

Already, there is intelligence that our enemies seek it on the world’s black markets

We have detected some French testing out on one of their remote Pacific atolls

Unconfirmed reports say an outlaw state is trying to acquire its raw materials in Africa

Some kind of loony religious cult wants to loose it on the entire world in aerosol form

We got to keep a closer eye on our so-called allies in the light of this new threat

We are ramping up our domestic intelligence gathering a bit more in secret, just in case

They say it might even be introduced covertly into our food and water supply

What we need is another world treaty which we can ignore but force others to obey

Already, reckless young people are experimenting upon each other with this stuff

The generals and politicians are demanding that the policy wonks craft a solution

This thing could spiral way beyond our control and end all our cozy partnerships

We must quickly ramp up coordinated media, military and diplomatic campaigns

Congress must quietly funnel millions for secret research and covert operations

Believe it or not they’ve found a vaccination for that sacred pox known as war