My Test Results Revealed

They quickly just sewed me back up after seeing I was lousy with inoperable bitterness

My tests all came back with an astonishingly high level of aggressively vapid pettiness

They removed a bloody tumor of hatred the size of a lemon from the inside of my skull

My symptoms all pointed towards full blown infection with a virulent & selfish greed

They told me at first that the operation probably had gotten all of my foolish pride

Lab results indicated a black void of willful ignorance growing steadily within me

The specialist confirmed that although I could hear well, I was totally unable to listen

Cutting into my consciousness the surgeons were sprayed with advertising images

An MRI revealed there was indeed a large deposit of lead lodged deep within my posterior

Further tests revealed I saw only a narrow tunnel and was unable to turn my head

My blood work indicated that I was profoundly low on morals, faith and scruples

A noted surgeon recommended silicon to augment the emptiness I had always felt within

My imbalance of understanding led to a toxic overproduction of hatred that then built up inside

They found a ruptured valve that continuously leaked burning apprehension deep into my gut

A moral blockage prevented me from ever feeling the effect of my actions upon any others

Their expensive drugs enhanced my will to live which had atrophied with age

Indeed, that greenish tint derived from my body’s inability to eliminate its envy

A biopsy of my spleen showed it full of the bitterest form of unvented self-rejection

They had to go in and relieve the great pressure that anger was putting on my brain

The blood flow to my heart was nearly stopped by an accumulation of ill will

The phantom pains I suffered near my colon were due to my job and my wife

They removed the thick deposits of resentment that were causing my feet to drag

A malignantly enlarged ego had impaired my ability to observe my own foolishness

My overproduction of sarcasm was related to the large quantity of faith that I had lost

They determined I could not differentiate my own vent from random excavations

Their analysis concluded that I did, indeed, suffer from chronic cranial rectosis

Genetic sampling revealed a self-entitled tendency towards amoral sales behavior

My blood sample came back positive for a real belief in the lies that they had me read

Scans revealed a potentially catastrophic buildup of frustration about my tongue

They extracted a writhing mass of unrelated marketing images from deep inside my trachea

He recommended avarice thinners to alleviate my potentially fatal grasping

They determined removing my morals would likely curb this crippling idealism

Operating on a cyst of stubbornness they discovered my large fistula of frustration

Surgeons said they could correct my congenitally permanent sarcastically-knowing smirk

They said their latest drug could reduce my potentially fatal artery-clogging sloth

Yet their ultrasonic images showed a very small boy still laughing deep within me

Bring On Them Libtards

Gonna whip some Snowflake ass!

Let’s see these skinny vegan dope smokers stand up to our smirking spin doctors

Yeah, come on you queer, yellow recyclers, just try and make us sort thru our garbage

Think you’ll make us pay 6 bucks a gallon to fill up our muscular diesel pickups?

Just step on out here and we’ll show you what these extra pounds can do to you

Try and make me eat that tough grass-fed beef and I’ll show you a thing or three

Come around here and I’ll hose you down with this stuff I spray on my kid’s lawn

Jest get in the road and I’ll dust your puny bicycle with my powerful Dodge Ram diesel

Which one of you don’t wanna bailout my maxed out credit cards and reset mortgage loan?

Your little friends don’t like my snowmobile, well, I say dammit, just bring em on

You’re against my OHV, step over here brother and I’ll wring your turkey neck

You want to take away my jet ski but I’m here to tell you what - I’ll fight for my rights

We’ll whip your green asses if you say we support terrorists with every tankful

They caint make us turn down our thermostats or turn off the stinkin lights and TV

We’ll proudly idle in the drive-thru line and eat bacon double cheeseburgers, all we please

We’re stayin with the NFL and NASCAR and you go shove that whatever World Cup

You keep your fuzzy research and we’ll stick with the true facts of Creation Science

We’ll take you to the mat for our right to cheap Chinese imports down to Wal*Mart

We’re pushin back hard on your bullshit about our overeating and never exercising

Let’s just chainsaw them trees they’re hugging with em still hanging up above

Push their girly faces down into the fat tire tracks we made in them useless, muddy wetlands

We’re gonna end this abortion murder and if need be, we’ll kill to get her done

We’ll impale them showy gays with pitchforks and burn them with our torches

Tired of pushy government women hangin up on us after theyre done tellin us what to do

Bring them sheetheads on over here and we’ll hunt them down fer varmint bounties

Just try and make us eat all like salads and we’ll punch out your pasty faces

We’re sick and tired of hearing about the evils of donuts and the glory of tofu

Hell yes, let’s drill everywhere sos we can drive around alone, making lots of noise

Ain’t ridin no buses, scooters are for kids and feck yer teeny-weenie lectric cars

No way we’re trying to touch our heads to our butts doin this bullshit, faggot yogi

Veggies and fruit may be OK fer kids but grownup men need good red meat with ever meal

Meditatin aint got nothing to do with jesus word my friend, so you can jest ferget it

You can have yer overpriced artesian loaves cause traditional families like soft white bread

Let’s stone their botoxed pushy feminist leaders down at the county fairgrounds, just fer fun

You think we fight wars of liberation just sos you can go socialize our healthcare system?

Won’t give up this struggle til they peel the remote out from my cold dead fingers

So bring em on and we’ll take em on here, just like we done over there in Whateverstan

Violent Macho Vegan Fantasies

Come on out from watching football and let’s settle this climate change issue right here

There’s a vegan birdwatcher been lifting weights who wants to break some NeoCon face

Gonna enjoy smashing your snow machine on behalf of all the vanished wildlife

Would be happy to fill your car with all that trash from those drive thru windows

Put down your stupid firearms and let’s settle this like the TV men you dream of being

Gonna smack you down for the frogs you 4WD’d over while smirking-drunkenly, smug and secure

Got a squishy liberal hammer fist for sending research and engineering overseas

Here’s a broken tooth for your overspending role in this ridiculous credit debacle

I’m a sissy treehugger, but I’ll gladly bury a palm strike in your fat and outsourced face

How about a bony elbow to your unused head or skinny knee in your fast food gut

I’m calling you out over what you’ve done to this country over the past 40 years

I’m a weak and yellow bicyclist trained hard enough to snap your overburdened joints

I’ll show you tough on fucking defense you wheezing, red-faced, HamAndEggers

Bring it on and we’ll film liberal greenies tattooing your tired-out, freedom-loving asses

Putting you on notice that machoism can survive on organic salads and soy milk

Here’s a hard left hand for the channelized and poisoned rivers you leave behind

Let’s do this in a peaceful meadow that your smoking bulldozers have not found as of yet

I’ll quietly meditate and sip green tea as they carry you off after I finish your beating

You can review your mistakes with your personal savior during the ambulance ride

So, yeah, the Bushido Zen Way is not incompatible with a peace-loving heart

Been practicing chokes and armbars just for you while I was hugging all them trees

This peacenik calls you to go mano a mano over your standalone cowboy foreign policy

While you’re on your back, gonna put quiet mufflers on your moronic pickup

You’re gonna go back to the earth with me to enjoy some good old ground and pound

This proponent of universal healthcare wants to ensure you a safe and free trip to the ER

I’ll enjoy a fruit smoothie after I am de-con’d of all the bloody sweat from your fat body

Gonna Visualize World Peace as I knee your piggish face from a tight Mui Tai clinch

Step down out of those oversize pickups so I can knock the Budweiser right out of you

Wackos are gonna bitch slap you until you whine like your fat, spoiled and stupid wives

Socialist flag-burning recyclers will punish jet ski riders from full mount position

A meditating observer longs to slam a real patriot into the cage just to feel his pain

Gonna pay you back with elbows for letting them ruin our standing with the whole world

Callin you out for a beating on behalf of the lakes whose fish you have tainted

Taking you down hard for stripmining mother ocean and waltzing off with the cash

Here’s a vicious combination for the tortured cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys and sheep

Gonna whup yer ignerant, selfish polluting asses and force feed you nuts, tofu and sprouts

Impotently Green

Waste good water washing out tin cans as you watch us proudly throw theirs away

Buy that cute little hybrid which you could pull up inside our 9 passenger behemoths

Carry out your groceries in eco-evil cotton bags as 5 billion new plastic ones are tossed away

Pay extra for wind power as the Chinese open 2 dirty-tech coal-fired plants every week

Combine your trips to save gas and pass by the obese idling blankly in fast food drive-thru lines

Call for climate change action as neighbors fight it by simply adjusting their thermostats

Reduce your eco-footprints even as hordes of new middle class Asians join in over-consumption

Walk quietly in the woods listening as drunk, gas-powered wreckreationists roar by shouting

Screw in funny bulbs as their unblinking, high-watt nightlights obscure the entire night sky

Invest in a solar panel quickly blocked out by our new 5000 square ft McMansion

Cook meals from scratch at home as millions of us find it cheaper to graze at McDonalds

Pay more for grass-raised, antibiotic & feedlot-free meat that should cost less to produce

Forgo children while the impoverished uneducated drop more than their share upon you

Try helping to do more with less funding while our arms producers secure no-bid, cost-plus handouts

Pick up a bit of road litter as entire ocean basins fill with tons of our plastic trash

Fret over packaging as Chinese factories pay bribes to dump toxins into rivers every night

Worry over a sustainable future while our financial wizards achieve total market meltdown

Xeriscape your lawn to a scraggly brown even as 3^rd world squatters turn vast tracts into desert

Save precious water as we waste billions of gallons from non-renewable fossil aquifers for free

Contribute to environmental watchdog groups as conglomerates efficiently strip-mine the seas

Watch as your careful recycling gets dumped or shipped back to Asia just to wrap more imports

Whine pointlessly for solar power as Big Coal revs up subsidized mountain top strip mining

Contribute to wildlife societies as 3 billion others suffer an abject, subhuman poverty

Listen to us pit the earth against family values to avoid so-called intrusive over-regulation

Demand sustainable economics even as we bail out the very financiers who ruined you

Just try asking us to consider the next thousand years when we only plan for the next quarter

Hear the under-employed snicker over climate worries in the wake of the Great Recession

Watch us laugh in incredulity at your proposals to CO2 tax gas up to $4 a gallon

Go about in heavy sweaters as we romp in shorts in their uninsulated trophy homes

Eat wilted veggies and healthy oils as we swill down and throw away factory fast food

Forgo new clothes for thrift stores which then have no donations to send overseas

Give so that stray dogs may live yet ignore the saved from abortion but unwanted, bastard children

Give that stray dogs may live as we ignore the unwanted, bastard children we saved from abortion

Take to heart our scornful braying against expensive mandated environmental restoration

Make those 20 steps to greener living that we undo daily before even getting to work

Carefully check the ingredients but remain unaware of their adulterated Asian sources

Take the long view of a spaceship earth in a dying world ADD’d on our get-rich-quick delusions

That Anti-Merican Evil Weed

    That’s why they call it dope…’D.O.dubya.P.’                 

They’ll be smoking dope on every doorstep and then goin out and bustin crimes

Brain-damaged and chromosome-scrambled by that there pungent demon herb

Stealing guns and robbing mothers and startin yer children off on the stuff fer free

Gettin lost in all like sexual preversion fer days at a time and not doin any real work

Fergettin about pertectin our country and babblin on about peace and love and hope and shit

Losin they jobs after getting all unperductive and way too lazy to even work anymore

Spendin too much time just settin there smoking pot and heading straight on to heroin

Blinded by the dope from horrible incurable cancers coming not too far down their road

Givin up good old Budweiser fer some damn organic BC Bud and sissy-ass fruit smoothies

Just turning off honest country music as them terrorists surround our virtuous homeland

Joinin up with them damn vegans in a wack crusade to treat cows like they was humans

Buyin funny hybrid cars and rancid organic vegies like it was some decent way of life

Afraid to grasp the nice smooth blue steel guns that are our patriotic heritage

Tryin to outlaw our loud diesel mufflers cause the noise bothers they doped up ears

Laying in the flowers by the river, just lisenin to the crazy shit in their heads

All caught up and taken over by this devilish weed, that very flower of the anti-christ

Turnin our sweet young daughters into filthy mindless stealing crack whores – Overnight!

Causin our own sons to question their duty to blindly go off and die overseas for god and country

Sweet jesus we got ta draw the line at last against this terrible liberal social decay

Why they’re even wantin certified organic reefer that’s all like taxed and regelated

Shit, they get so stoned they almost nod off and then they just sleep away the night

Get all like chickenshit and don’t want to go out to the bars, looking forward to a fight

Set there drawin, writin, playin sissy music and readin stead of ridin noisy dirtbikes

Why theyre like hiking and skiin insteada flailin ATVs, jetskis and snowmobiles

Fuckin jerkoffs are totally addicted but theyre just full of all kina fairytale denial

That hobbit hole Pipe and Bud Tea House is a real threat to our beloved filthy taverns

Yup, their brains are rottin and their teeth are fallin out, but they just will not see

It’s another sinful plague aimed straight at Jesus’ Word and our sacred Traditional Family ValuesÔ

These dope fiends have lost the angry energy they need in our dog-eat-dog society

They spend they time in drugged out dreams about gettin somethin fer doin nethin

Always takin off they shoes and shit, kinda smiling and talking way too slow

Caint even see how far they strayed from the paved path of righteousness that we walk

So damn out there they won’t stop to watch pro football or even NASCAR with the family

Content just to let the abortionists, gays and women libbers chip away at all our rights

Pretty soon they'll be wantin to advertise this heathen poison in magazines and on TV

Gotta rear up and stop this evil dope plague for the good of the country, in the name of god

Gettin ‘Merica Great Again

Gotta bring back cheap and really smoky diesel fuel for our honest, thrifty working men

Then they’ll be tradin up again to even further upside-down leases on even bigger pickups

Get em back to belchin smoke from good loud mufflers with that same patriotic pride

Stead of sneakin around like tree huggers with eggs beneath their gas pedals

We’ll refinance their houses for them and flush away those negative savings

Gonna give traditional families a place to draw out more unearned cash from china

All them re-financing deals should kick start our most innovative credit finance industry

And the realtors can start runnin up house prices for fat commissions once again

We’ll ditch this cockamamie greenhouse crap to protect our fragile economic recovery

No more bullshit about saving the planet because, look, people’s jobs are on the line here

Forget this sustainablility scam if it involves even the slightest expense or inconvenience

Get the asians ta slap them peasants in line cause we need more cheap imported junk

We’ll get these whatever Ārabs straightened out even if it takes a coupla lifetimes

A few hundred billion dollars each and every year ought to do the trick - Someday

Pretty soon a few of those like free elections will bring them heathens all like McDonalds and stuff

Our boys aren’t dyin in vain even if it has just been all wrong from start to finish

Bringing back the days when we just shoved it all into the trash and straight out the door

No more stupid packin and sorting through the garbage for them numbnut greenies

If they want it, they can pay me for it and come here and dive thru our dumpster to get it

Cause once it’s paid for, it’s mine to simply toss away and get on with traditional family life

Nowadays they aint no need to spend money on clean water since we all drink ours outta bottles

The kids can just go down to the pool if they want to go swimming in the summer

I never have time to go fishin anymore and the wife likes it better down to Red Lobster

Anyway, we can still get out on the boats and jetskis as long as we don’t get wet

Them good new jobs atomorra created after we all got outsourced are comin in real soon now, too

We’ll all be contributin to the consumer economy in our new service sector positions

Everybody’ll have good health benefits and a free retirement fund to draw from - Early

Yup, we’ll all be working on computer doin some kinda hi-tech financial services and shit

Coal is gonna give us a smoky, grimy-devastated, but energy-independent homeland

Honest patriot lobbyists will sacrifice sos we can crank up the uninsulated heat all winter long

We can point to the slag heaps and the dirty air and really be able to see our progress

Settin a lonely brave example for the developin world against that vast socialist CO2 conspiracy

We’ll cut taxes but hike defense spending and keep ignoring the whatever deterioratin infrastructure

Strappin on them fiscal cables for another jumpstart and bendin over for the next kickstart

Cause we really cant solve any other problems if the blessed economy has gone south

We’re gonna get back on track real soon now using creative, god-fearing entrepreneurism

It Aint Gonna Happen

We aint gonna reduce no emissions cept when all the fuel’s done been burnt up

Them heroes in Detroit wont ever build no successful alternative energy cars

We’ll always treat them cows, chickens and pigs like they was mining resources

Haf-neked africans are always gonna be starving, fightin and dyin from awful diseases

Nobodys ever gonna make you sort out them greasy recycles from your useless garbage

Listen, all them charismatic mega-fauna are gonna have ta jest make way fer progress

We’ll never have the resources ta clean up the lakes and rivers, much less them oceans

But we’ll always have more money we can spend on finding new ways to kill each other better

We just caint implement no socialist solutions to these here pressing healthcare issues

Might as well get used ta climate change cause we got more important economic needs

We’ll never admit that our sheer fool numbers are at the very roota everonea our biggest problems

Look, yer kids jest don’t have a brighter future than your senile damn grampaw did

You aint gonna start savin and you’ll always have to work – but look - there wont be no jobs fer ya

The salmon ain’t comin back and the grizzlies don’t got no place among us

They ain’t no heaven and jesus word aint worth even one of the wars that it’s caused

You aint cuttin down on eatin and yer blood pressure and sugar will stay way too high

All them phony sports aint gonna help when yer lying there covered with tubes and bedsores

Yer pointy little breast implants will look real stupid when yer 80 and all like shriveled up

Those lame tattoos will fade on topa age spots, ugly wrinkles and layers of fat

You’ll be snoring thru yer damn nose ring, wondering why they still cant see you’re special

You wont ever take the time, even if you could understand above their 3^rd grade level spin

They aint gonna re-open that free ATM you thought your house would always be

You wont ever pay off the negative savings you got stored up on your damn credit cards

They ain’t no better jobs coming to replace them onesa yers they sent off ta china

Actually, your kids don’t have exceptional potential and they caint be bothered to work hard either

It ain’t gonna make any more sense when you’re being nursed by low waged immigrants

Yer so-called personal savior is just another nutritionally-empty but high-calorie concoction

Actually, ya see, they won’t have found a cure for that yet, when you do finally get it

Obese pickups and giant SUVs aren’t goin away any more than you are, fat boy, LOL

Never gonna stop their sacred public access on snowmobiles, ATVs and fatass jet skis

Aint no way we’ll save one tree if it costs us any jobs, money or cunvenience

They wont start exercising and eating sensibly, why thats fer frickin bird watchers

You fekin liberal environmental wackos ain’t never gonna ruieen this great landa the free

Jobs and cash will always win til nature slaps us down inta some dark and polluted stone age

Them bankers and financiers caint lead us out of the mess they got rich getting us into

It aint never gonna happen and you aint waltzin off fer free ta some cockamamie heaven

We Just Caint Ruin It All

We aint gonna be able to kill off all the different songbirds before we’re all done here

A few frogs and such will find a way to barely scrape by until we’re dead and gone

There’ll still be a couple small hardwoods left to repopulate the once-great hardwood forests

Try as we might we wont be able to strip the oceans bare of every single bit of life

Might even be 1 or 2 other primates left when we’re done slaughtering each other

Won’t kill off all the cats everywhere, and buddy, you can bet they’ll radiate once again

Why, there could be several little whales or dolphins left to evolve one more time

Won’t get the chance to slash and burn every bit of that complex rain forest canopy

Betcha that not all those million northern lakes will lie poisoned and dead from our actions

Not every single river will be nothing more than a canalized open sewer, but we’ll try

There’ll still be a couple un-bulldozed meadows when we are caught, surprised, in our acts

Our random gratuitous high-decibel noise will even end, though we will not hear the following quiet

No amount of our poisons will eradicate all the insects before our time has passed

Why there’ll even be a few oil deposits we’ll still be working when we’re interrupted

We’ll all be gone long before we can slash and settle that entire vast boreal belt

Won’t be around long enough to wipe out all major life forms with our global warming

Can’t even make scars on the earth that last more than one short geological epoch

Won’t have time to turn the entire atmosphere the dingy brown of our so-called great cities

Will not need to recycle before it’s way too late to make even the slightest difference

There’ll still be any number of heathen non-believers among the last ones of us to die off

It’ll be impossible for us to kill each other all off before the earth stops supporting the rest of us

Not any of that silent wisdom will have disappeared before we are gone, once and for all time

These death throes cannot even hope to perturb the vast life force of the universe

This desecration of ours cannot ever rival the catastrophe of a good-sized meteor impact

We’ll never get Antarctica warmed up enough to settle before moving on for good

We cannot notice that the undefined cannot be affected by our senseless fiddling

All our pointless piddling cannot disturb the inescapable event horizon of the void

Even our unthinkable all-out nuclear war would not put an end to all life on this earth

Won’t have a chance to even give a proper burial to the last of our own corpses

There’s no possibility of our dirty seed spreading beyond this once-blessed blue planet

We cannot poison all the soil with the strip mines we blithely turn and walk away from

Can’t quite get the branch that still supports us sawed completely off before we take a fatal fall

There’ll still be good new military hardware rusting for a while when we’re gone

They’ll have unpaid loans and credit cards and shopping to do even as the bills stop coming

Future generations wont get to see this generous world which we could not quite destroy

Caint ruin everything before our good work comes at last to it’s well-deserved fruition

Feeling Good, Doing Badly

You’ll be laid off when you’re about 50 and your services won’t ever be needed again

On the other hand they’ve pushed back your full retirement age until at least the age of 70

We’ve developed nearly magical cures for all the illnesses that will soon plague you

Unfortunately, they’ll be far beyond all your government benefits and meager savings put together

You’re grounded by the wondrous set of private dialogs you’ve shared with your personal savior

But you pack with 3000 other prairie dogs in a Wal*Mart style mega-church to worship him

She walks dogs at the Humane Society and donates to groups with cute puppy calendars

You’ll find her serving guests tender veal that can never even stand up inside their tiny pens

Under great duress they righteously accorded several species their so-called protection

Meanwhile, the seas were strip-mined of all life and filled with microscopic plastic

I reflect upon my efforts at recycling with a certain greenish sense of satisfaction

My used paper heads off to China to be used to package all the imports we don’t make here anymore

We provided temporary jobs for honest loggers harvesting the last of those valuable big trees

But now there’s no more logs to ship and tourists don’t visit to gawk at trees and spend their money

You borrowed millions and started carving a remote area into a toney second home resort

Your little friends pulled the plug on your leveraged scheme, so you just walked away

I am searching for the miraculous and straining with every fiber for cosmic understanding

I’ve got juicy soft porn sites bookmarked that I visit with a monk-like regularity

They demanded our personal responsibility regarding health care as well as pensions

On the other hand they were bailed out by crooked cronies with no strings attached at all

We could step in and lower your interest rate and we could even guarantee your loan

But with your no-down and equity re-financing you’re still way too far underwater for you to bother

Things are looking so much better for us now than earlier in this bloody financial quagmire

Yet, no one will ever be held responsible for the crimes and sins that got us there to start with

You rage against the fact that you only earn 80% of your male colleagues takings

But they’re working 10% overtime & holding the door as you leave early again, for your lame kids

At last you’re free to enjoy all the wondrous things that you’ve always dreamed of

Your eyes are bad, your back is sore, your wind is gone and you never hatched a nestegg

Smart consumers have at last stopped credit spending and some have even begun to try and save

Alas, such wise household spending attitudes cause stocks to fall and even more jobs to disappear

Honest citizens have been freed from oppressively high fuel prices once again

Just in time to fuel another surge in purchases of gas-guzzling SUVs & obese, road-hogging pickups

The car dealers, real estate agents, cruise lines, and hip restauranteurs were mired in recession

And they say consumer spending always solves our economic crises and certainly never causes them

The vacuous, self-serving geniuses of Wall Street are getting flak over giant bonuses again this year

On the other hand they’re not going to jail cause they’ve convinced us we still can’t do without them

I'm Special

I’m quite gifted and my parents knew all about that well before I was even born

I have special needs which I am permitted to express with a loud and grating clarity

I require unique treatment simply since my obvious potential is so very great

I’m exceptional as you should quickly note, so I will need extraordinary latitude

I just won’t apply myself if I am not motivated but I could be a great success

I have skills and talents that their boring normal tests simply cannot measure

I need not exert myself or finish any task just to demonstrate to you my wondrous gifts

I call on others to politely recognize what my parents have always seen in me

I don’t have to prove myself because my great potential has already set me apart

I’m quite special you see and my mommy and my daddy have always told me so

I demand what I think is the best and cannot be concerned with any mess that I might make

I quickly and scornfully ignore those fools who do not honor my wondrous gifts

I swill down expensive meals and walk off without a care for their cost or their cleanup

I abandon my dirty clothes where I drop them and my bed as I leave it, late in the afternoon

I need not concern myself with housework, homework, jobs or money

I’m so very special that their lame rules and regulations simply do not apply to me

I’m a video game wizard who keeps on skillfully playing for hours and hours upon end

But I’ve got a touch of ADD when it comes to stupid wasted shit such as school work

I find it suits me well to play loud music until 3 AM and then to sleep at least til noon

Mom says I have this fine aesthetic sense and such great potential as an artist

I trash the expensive clothes I didn’t have to pay for and wear them beyond filthy

I know adults can’t understand me because I’m very special and so unlike them

I broke my arm in some forgotten extreme sport where I might have been a pro

I smashed my car and lost their credit card but they know I had a lot on my gifted mind

I don’t know what’s up with their computer all I did was click on a link or two

I’m a texting wizard and I loaded my 3 guitar chords up onto the Web

I can’t take the time to think about the future cause I’m busy creating it today

Spent hundreds on tattoos and piercings and I have really set myself apart

I eat when I’m hungry and then, without the slightest thought, I simply walk away

I kiss my mom when she cries about me on my way out the door, late at night

Pizza delivery was beneath me and the construction guys just laughed

Went to college a couple semesters, partied hard and just skipped those boring classes

I usually take my meds after I stay up all night and wake up all like really groggy

I always seem to leave food bags laying on the floor with a little stale shit left inside

My bright hair dyes and clippings remain in the bathroom but they don’t bother me

I’m special and all I really need to do is to enjoy the good life until the world takes notice

Going Green...In My Dreams

Not going to waste any more precious fossil fuel on those many unnecessary daily trips

Finishing up with dumping my tons of thoughtless but nearly permanent CO2 emissions

No more dirty coal will over-warm my over-sized, un-insulated, leveraged dream home ever again

Won’t be polluting 200 gallons of good clean drinking water each and every day anymore

Won’t rip up any more productive farmland for shoddy, cloned, convenience strip malls

The oil on my driveway will stop leaking into that little stream every time it rains

The plastic bags I only used once will no longer choke our overburdened and leaching landfills

Won’t be so quickly casting all that devilish chinese shrink wrap into the closest dumpster

Wont be eating any more grains and vegetables impregnated with toxic runoff chemicals

No longer buying food that’s over-stimulated by oil-based pesticides and fertilizers

Done gumming pasty white bread which was watered by draining irreplaceable fossil aquifers

Stopped consuming proprietary, sterile, genetically-modified, corporate cereal crops

Wont be smashing glass bottles on rocks just to hear the noise they make while breaking

No more thoughtlessly tossing aluminum cans into the gaping mouths of garbage pails

Done casually flipping plastic containers aside the very moment they are emptied

Stopped thoughtlessly dumping out all that so-called waste paper I don’t want or need

Won’t be discarding much more cheap broken plastic shit from Asia without a second thought

Had my last freshly poisoned fruits shipped in from the far-off southern hemisphere

Wont be buying gas to fill my ATV that helps support terrorists in lands 10,000 miles away

Not paying any more taxes to have them outsource the war on terror there instead of here

Done kicking back and watching as we kill off the noble wandering albatross and dolphins

Not going to totally ignore the vanity poaching of the elephants and the tigers anymore

No longer going to let the salmon and the orcas be driven to extinction on my watch

Stopped driving up the price of sushi that is finishing off the magnificent bluefin tuna

Done sitting mutely as illiterate fools hoarsely destroy the living desert surface

Will no longer remain quiet as our wasteful recreation despoils the inland waters

Not continuing to wave politely to fat tourists shouting from atop noisy ATVs

Finished making excuses for loud smoking snowmobiles chasing game and littering

Wont be calling greedy shortsighted developers patriotic entrepreneurs anymore

No longer think energy policy is in my interest despite their smirking political assurances

Stopped believing that social progress emerges from politically polarized paralysis

Quit swallowing the repeated diatribes of artificial media conglomerate puppets

Hopping off the treadmill that I always ran as I looked forward to vacations I can’t even remember

Coming clean deep inside without the help of their evil-smelling embalming chemicals

Going completely green at last, without any overpriced and wasteful coffin: Yeah right!

Finally stopped making any carbon footprint at all. For I shall move no more forever

A Snowflake’s Fictional Revenge

I just feel so terrible that these awful thoughts actually came out of me, a peaceful vegan socialist!

Casually ripped out the stakes they had carefully set to guide their yellow bulldozers

Slapped a ‘Supporting Terrorists With Every Tankful’ decal on the fat man’s morbidly obese pickup

Slashed their ATV tires as they were shitting and leaving their trash in the woods close to the road

Dragged corporate leaders from gated mansions and burned them at the stake for their outsourcing

Put some sharp rocks just under the surface where they took off drunk and shouting on their jetskis

Knocked over a faux-badboy’s financed Harley into the path of a vegan hybrid backing out

Replaced the cheese on their burgers with thick and slimy slices of pusy organic tofu

Played really loud country music when she brought clients for a showing in her leased BMW

Rolled up their well-tended lawns and dumped all their slimy home toxics back into their yards

Smashed out her tinted windows so I could clearly see her too-tight, heavily made-up, botoxed face

Ruthlessly forced them to speak clearly, read high-school level books and write complete sentences

Took a big dump on the seat of their powerful excavator and smeared it all over the steering wheel

Sent all their cosmetic surgeons off to Africa to work for Doctors Without Borders for a tiny stipend

Taxed the shit out of the gas they wasted and created energy independence with the money

Blocked all the drive thru take outs with a mountain of cast-off plastic fast food containers

Sterilized them and rescued their fatherless children if they hadn’t passed a minimal parenting class

Piped power plant emissions straight into the homes of the Clean Coal Initiative leaders & legislators

Charged them more by the gallon and the pound for their carelessly wasted water and unsorted trash

Smothered entire families far beneath their way-too-casually discarded plastic bags

Smashed up all the chips and the cookies in the fat women’s grocery cart and dared her to chase me

Made the board meet in their own fields as their dusters spread fertilizer and pesticides upon them

Grounded all their private planes until they had sense enough to get good mufflers put on them

Taxed ranchers on federal lands by letting the bears eat some of their cattle, without reimbursement

Brought our troops home and thanked them for all their brave but vanity-driven sacrifices

Dumped tons of their wasted advertising materials on property they were dishonestly pimping

Herded the lobbyists thru the streets as the poor children laughed and stoned them as schoolwork

Put up solar panels on every roof of the country right next to new wind turbines just to piss them off

Piped the exhaust from his remote-start, idling to warm up, pickup straight into his silly man cave

Sent the finance people to Somalia to innovate while living in mud huts and building new schools

Sentenced the investment bankers to chain gangs in the rural South without any possibility of parole

Shot out their nightlights whenever and wherever to set the stars free to shine once again

Punched the car salesman in the moth and bought what I wanted without paying any commission

Filled their clean and empty giant pickup beds with the oily runoff from their own driveways

Taxed the churches heavily, just like any other grasping, lying, fictional corporate pyramid scheme

Forced them to pay off their credit cards before they could finance another new big screen

Fined the politicians every single time they so lamely intoned ‘God Bless America’ in their speeches

For Real Heartland Consumer Sacrifice

Well, I’ll give up my drive-thru lunch a coupla days each week

Just sos that I can take the OHV out with the boys on Saturday afternoon

I can get the old lady to cook shit out of cans or maybe even from like raw stuff

Instead of nuking up them pricey microwave dinners that we really like

Turning off the diesel sometimes instead of idling in air-conditioned comfort

Just to save a teeny bit of that there artificially expensive fuel

Adjusted my thermostat even though the kids just set there whining

Had to make some changes cause the bill’s gone through the roof

Gonna turn off the big screen when we’re not at home and maybe unplug it at night

Damn electric keeps on going up every single month

Ta hell with that fancypants overpriced organic shit

My kids’ll do just fine on white bread and them plastic-coated, factory-extruded hamburg logs

Look, I’m even walking all the way back out to the stinkin mailbox

Drivin to grammaws instead of flyin - Which I hated anyway

Cant afford to trade in my 2 year old SUV even if it does only get 10 MPG

So, but now I’m tryin to drive less than 20 thousand miles a year

Cutting back to generic cookies and not watching so many pay-per-views

That liberal climate conspiracy is costing us all a whole lot of money every day

The old lady’s not getting botoxed and her toenails got the colora yella baby shit

Gotta start savin somewhere, so first I cut out that stupid fitness center I never go to

It’s for sure we won’t be attendin that awesome church ski vacation this year

But we’ll still be able to ride our jet skis a few weekends out to the lake

Wonderin about this family plan that costs $200 a month for a coupla phones

After all I just spent 600 bucks on school sneakers the kids tore up in a week

Have to share less quality time with my boys now that bullets are $4 each

I’ll make it up to them though, at home playing them shooter video games together

Switching credit cards to get a lower rate for at least the next six months

Oughta free up some extry cash for when our mortgage rate resets again

Cuttin back on pert near everything just like they slashed my job and downsized my life

But still got enough time to catch NASCAR and the good old NFL on the bigscreen with a cold one

However, not gonna enjoy them growlin snow machines as often since they was repossessed

Waitin for the real belt-tightenin ta begin since them tax and spenders are in control

Cut out the produce and the fruits too - sos we could still have chips, cokes and Budweiser

Only seein the frickin ripoff dentist again when I cant stand the pain no more

Gotdamm dogs’ll have to get by cause they ain’t going to the vet again this year, either

Look - We’re makin some real sacrifices up in the heartland for the good of family, god and country

The Most Unthinkable Ultimate Weapon

Some crackpot wacko researcher has gone and done the unthinkable deed at last

And now it’s up to us to make sure this thing doesn’t fall into terrorist hands

Turns out it’s really quite simple to make and way too easy to secretly transport

We got to retain tight control of this invention or our precious liberty is surely at risk

The mad scientists have gone and let an evil genie out of the bottle once again

Proliferation cannot be an option for the freedom loving peoples of the world

If our enemies get hold of this, it will threaten our traditional family values

We alone must retain control of this awful power - for the benefit of all mankind

Our strategic analysts warn of its terrible consequences for our military establishment

It’s just the kind of thing that the one-worlders have been wanting for use against us

This weapon could upset our carefully crafted, fear-based global power balance

It will put the people of our sacred fatherland at the mercy of the godless heathen

There’s no denying its potential to do good if we were to use it in the proper manner

But, in the hands of radicals, it would represent a clear and present danger

Its proliferation would pose the gravest threat of any doomsday scenario yet

Mr. President, we must act at once to halt the spread of this terrible innovation

Already, there is intelligence that our enemies seek it on the world’s black markets

We have detected some French testing out on one of their remote Pacific atolls

Unconfirmed reports say an outlaw state is trying to acquire its raw materials in Africa

Some kind of loony religious cult wants to loose it on the entire world in aerosol form

We got to keep a closer eye on our so-called allies in the light of this new threat

We are ramping up our domestic intelligence gathering a bit more in secret, just in case

They say it might even be introduced covertly into our food and water supply

What we need is another world treaty which we can ignore but force others to obey

Already, reckless young people are experimenting upon each other with this stuff

The generals and politicians are demanding that the policy wonks craft a solution

This thing could spiral way beyond our control and end all our cozy partnerships

We must quickly ramp up coordinated media, military and diplomatic campaigns

Congress must quietly funnel millions for secret research and covert operations

Believe it or not they’ve found a vaccination for that sacred pox known as war

Happiness Was

Enjoying all the good times spent driving too far back home after working way too late once again

Financing all manner of gadgets, gaudy renovations and re-decorating with unearned home equity

Sitting mesmerized year after year before the empty spectacle of the corporate sports altar

Awaking over and over again in the dark night to relive some imagined office slight

Looking forward so long to all those wondrous vacations we can’t even remember now

Being freed from our grandfather’s thrifty guilt by modern finance go-go negative savings rates

Scarfing down donuts to quell that anxiety which gnawed just as if it were real hunger

Steadily increasing our disposable income thru the miracle of multiple maxed out credit cards

Gunning a loudly-modified diesel exhaust while passing an old Japanese economy car

Dreaming, just like your little friends, that things would never really change that much

Leaving the kids to cellophane-wrapped snacks and their latest video games

Getting paid for doing nothing and saving big on Chinese slave labor down at the Wal*Mart

Tossing out any and all kinds of chemical rubbish and never even thinking of it again

Swallowing whole their expensive lies about the terrible enemies surrounding us

Laughing hard with everybody else about the need for even moderate exercise

Gleefully marginalizing the wackos and scientists, the squishy liberals and those silly tree huggers

Smirking at the weaklings as they scrimped and saved, recycled and economized

Blowing off boring nutrition and eating for the salty or sweet taste of fiber-free, fatty fast foods

Resting quite assured that god watches over and blesses only us, every single day

Visiting our drugged elders in the warehouse whose glossy brochures met all of their senior needs

Driving enraged and alone in a junk Detroit barge built to carry 8 fully-grown & obese adults

Sucking down expensive, high-calorie lattes like clockwork, every day at 10

Labeling recycling as an unnecessary and dubious virtue, simply of no real consequence

Projecting arrogance and pride through our loudly exceptionist and totally ethnocentric ignorance

Coddling our precious children, each quite exceptional & prize-winning in its own very special way

Demanding at every political foto-op that god should bless this land and our traditional excesses

Extinguishing exotic animals for firewood, marginal crops and other short-term, so-called progress

Condemning religious fanatics after prayerful talks with our own personal saviors

Treating our livestock like raw materials and manufacturing our food crops like factory goods

Acting as if consumer spending could actually be the driving force behind any sustainable economy

Expecting to continue this orgy of mindless consumption somewhere off in our fairytale heaven

Flattening forests and turning rivers into sewage pipes and our lakes into cesspools

Condemning all environmental and safety measures as too costly in terms of jobs and money

Cynically labeling research as junk science and fuzzy math and stalling for more study

Mocking their foolish efforts at saving tiny mice, foolish desert fish, stupid frogs and such

Plunging blindly on with the righteous moral authority granted to us by our one true savior

That Threatenen' Wacko Agenda

Pushing to tax the word of Christ like it was some kinda giant pyramid scheme

Promoting an end to burnin honest Clean Coal for a life in the cold and fearful dark

Putting trees, birds, fish and like clean air up front of families, jobs and christian values

Want us all eating that slimy soft tofu instead of good old supersize cheese fries

They’ll give your kids hands-on sex education, even before they learn to read

Said real hot water washing and nice clothes dryers are horribly evil polluters

Trying to make us turn down our thermostats and pull on some old itchy sweaters

Sponsoring some crazy bill to regulate barbecue and even lawnmower emissions

Lobbying to put the rights of cows and pigs above the price needs of decent consumers

Opposed to credit card bailouts meant to bring relief to us honest working families

Wantin us all eatin shriveled up organic muffins instead of hearty krispykremes

Would have us all smoking that dope sos we forget all about their elitist policies

Don’t like your nice green lawn and aim to close up all the golf courses

They’d like to force you to pick through dirty trash for junk they say needs recycled

Stoppin outside developers from bringing us in them good new construction jobs

Wantin to limit the size of your house and how much electricity you can use

Tryin to shove abortion, gay marriage and school prayer into the background

Foistin their tired, failed socialist universal healthcare schemes on us once again

Pushin fool laws to take away our sacred right to bear arms

Gonna even tax you for those few extry pounds that make you look real husky

Makin you quiet down your pickups and Harleys sos they can hear the stupid birds

Bannin your blazin security nightlights cause they want to save energy and see whatever stars

Forcin real sacrifice on families just to set an example in their fool greenhouse gas scam

Corrupting our children’s morals with their godless fuzzy science and junk maths

Want you to pass a test and get a license to have kids even though our God says to be fruitful

Plan on gutting our military and leaving us open to all kind of evil foreign terror

These wackos target our traditional lifestyle with that job-killing, costly hoax of climate change

Why they even want you to carry groceries on a bicycle like some frickin peasant

Out to make Big Gulps more expensive and ban double meat bacon cheeseburgers

Sayin Cheetos are unhealthy and Mountain Dew’s got too much sugar and caffeine

Don’t even want you throwing out fast food cups and bags and all that other messy shit

They’re wantin to tighten up on credit is threatenin our hallowed consumer lifestyle

Don’t even recognize the sanctity of the NFL or the importance of NASCAR to our way of life

Wanting to steal our relaxation and comfort and turn us all into pencilneck vegans

Their nutcake ideas are costing us real money, jobs and convenience every day

That wacko agenda is eroding our traditional family way of life, even as we pray