Unlearned Lessons From That Great Recession

Don’t bring back no-income, no-job, no-asset, no money down home loans

Ban that so-called ‘financial engineering’ as a legalized but criminal profession

Never again make just the monthly minimum payment on multiple credit cards

Ensure that the oversized, noisy pickup truck totally disappears as a commuter vehicle

Don’t ever let the phony 7% real estate professional make any type of comeback

Stop buying those $150 shoes for kids who simply refuse to learn to read and write

No more of shrieking media heads pimping you tips to unknown stocks on margin

Forget that tens of smog-belching 3 ton roadhogs ever idled daily in drive-thru lines

Keep the crooked loan originators and greedy property appraisers unemployed

Don’t resume spending on diet aids that tell you it’s OK to eat anything you want

Push back hard when car salesmen try to reclaim their useless and parasitic positions

Let negative savings rates remain only as object lessons of our own stupidity

Don’t bring back giant, overpriced, shoddily-built McMansions leveraged by poseurs on margin

Never again spend $100 a month on fat-filled, sugary lattes, tossing away the cups

Really, let’s not pickup where we left off buying jet skis, OHVs and snowmobiles

Never pay loudly-ignorant, semi-skilled, so-called tradesmen to hold us hostage again

Make sure speculation on second home developments blocking access to open spaces remains dead

Forever keep buried the cynical and greedy lie that self-regulation is key to industry salvation

Waterboard the NeoCons on their own poisonous soundbites until they confess to anything

Don’t ever bring back the idea that your home is some investment instrument and an ATM

Don’t even consider more no-strings-attached cash bailouts to thieving financiers

Don’t return the nannies, chauffeurs, pedicurists and decorators to the faux-rich

Be sure smirking, callow Wall Street 20Somethings get no more million dollar bonuses

Never again roll credit card debt into an underemployed illiterate’s house note

Remain standing menacingly over the myth that loud and willful exceptionism equals patriotism

Don’t let the corn-based biofuel scam be resurrected by its well-heeled lobbyists

Never, never blindly trust the bankers, brokers, lawyers or financial advisers ever again

Kick down the self-serving lie that stocks yield the most over the so-called long haul

Archive house flipping how-to shows as evidence of the madness that possessed us all

Never again rush to overbid on unseen property before it even hits the market

Don’t roll old car leases into new ones even further underwater from the very start

Keep the hard-driving, career-oriented, equally-paid loving mothers needing time off, in their homes

Smother the absurd notion that vapid hyper-consumption is somehow really patriotic

Be sure that administrative assistants never again finance multiple rental properties

Don’t bring back those falsely-folksy, Ivy League politicians who favor the rich at your expense

Never again believe consumer spending and financial services could underpin a sustainable economy

The Sound Logic of Conservative Policies

This credit debacle far outweighs their cutesy fuzzy pipedreams of whatever sustainable living

These unemployment figures must push the real poor further into the gray background

Decreases in tax revenues force us to slash funds for even studying climate change

In this economic downturn the ecosystem simply must take a back seat to family welfare

The financial crisis leaves us without monies for these so-called superfund sites

We must pare social spending to the bone to preserve our military preparedness

Alas, educational funding must suffer given the collapse of the holy housing market

Real healthcare reform will remain on the back burner until consumer confidence returns

Cleaning up our waters takes a back seat to restoring mindless consumer spending

Energy independence can be shelved again thanks to fracking & a temporarily reduced demand

Burdensome impact reviews must be put on hold to help jumpstart the precious economy

Expensive emission control procedures can be waived until the recovery finally takes hold

This discretionary habitat restoration must cease until our families begin buying on credit again

Personal responsibility can wait while we bail out both irresponsible debtors and lenders

Clearly this is not the time for some expensive, lifestyle-based disease prevention program

We certainly cannot impose costly deposits on recyclable materials during this crisis

Requiring power companies to stop acid rain could push customers over the edge

Mandating energy efficiency for electronics could hurt slumping sales even more

Saving old growth forests must take a back seat to temporary jobs cutting timber for export

We cant stop illegal worker abuses without threatening businesses and raising costs

Protecting our soil must now take a back seat to curbing factory food price increases

Underwriting investment banking gambles trumps making higher education affordable

We wont be rushed into phony climate change fixes but this huge bailout must be fast-tracked

To fight this crisis, patriotic coal-fired power plants will be permitted near national parks

Limiting worker chemical exposure imposes undue costs on already-stressed industries

Ethical treatment of animals must take a backseat to affordable factory protein for our families

Calls for smart growth sound pretty silly given these current dire economic conditions

We must pump trillions to the bankers while cutting back on unproven childcare programs

Overseas atrocities and starvation are secondary to rebooting our own hyper-consumption

Right now, rugged conservative straight talk must override shrill liberal whining

We cannot embark upon squishy socialist programs lest we jeopardize a fragile recovery

Unlike the planetary ecosphere, our investment banks are too big to be allowed to fail

It would be insane to radically increase gas tax now to rebuild the failing transportation grid

Regulations can wait until the bailout money has re-lubricated the noble financial system

Habitat preservation is for the birds when good families are suffering economic hardship

Fairytale wacko concerns must take a backseat given our ongoing economic uncertainties

Reinventing Ourselves For The Good New Jobs

You Could Be...

Programmers are bending themselves into grocery clerks going forward

So-called financial engineers should be snatching at secure jobs driving school buses

Web designers are strutting in their natty fast food uniforms

Physics graduates optimize sweeping patterns in their work as custodians

Shy mathematicians are re-inventing themselves as stockers down to Wal*Mart

Unneeded chemists are scheming to open up their own new brew pubs

Moping, unemployed newspaper writers futilely send their signal into the blogospheric void

Graying, downsized middle managers pass out identical resumes on every corner

Washed up autoworkers line up for full-time positions driving garbage trucks

Former roofers and framers look to re-invent themselves installing solar panels

Downcast Teamster container ship unloaders will become produce clerks, someday

With straight faces, liberal arts grads try to get hired on to redneck road-building crews

Quality assurance experts audit their own work cleaning toilets in convenience stores

Unemployed statisticians calculate their odds for success at professional blackjack

Burnt out, washed up teachers with no alternate careers shut down, but stay on

All those 45 and older are quickly cast aside and wordlessly encouraged just to die

Financial planners are now without the income streams needed to smother their own debt

Database administrators finally try to use their hands while studying to be paramedics

Laid off PR goddesses become consultants to other useless baggage trying to reinvent itself

Overextended real estate profiteers look for big scores in pyramid fat-burning scams

Unread resumes clog vast networks of pathetically over-eager former executives

Hapless retail attempts by entrepreneurial laid-off accountants die in record time

Ex-project leaders learn to live with being laughed at by fellow Home Depot stockers

Run down car salesmen start peddling reverse equity home scams to seniors

Cast off nannies make the long trek back to Guatemala without a dime of severance pay

Mestizo vaqueros in dusty baseball caps find no more labor and shuffle back towards home

Merged and downsized bankers cynically scheme to make it as credit counselors

Environmental activists try to get on with coal companies as public spokesmen

Moving firms reinvent themselves emptying abandoned, foreclosed McMansions

300 pencil-necked ex-loan originators apply for a single firefighting position

100000 returning war vets are laid off just as soon as permitted by federal law

Cute former cosmetic sales girls learn to turn a few tricks for rent and food

Stock brokers feverishly search the internet for another golden egg of greed

Soccer moms are forced to morph into gas clerks in oversized checkered shirts

Off-shored Customer Support personnel enjoy painting houses and mowing lawns

But, at last, those bottom-feeding military and priesthood recruiters gin up a few new bodies

For Real Heartland Consumer Sacrifice

Well, I’ll give up my drive-thru lunch a coupla days each week

Just sos that I can take the OHV out with the boys on Saturday afternoon

I can get the old lady to cook shit out of cans or maybe even from like raw stuff

Instead of nuking up them pricey microwave dinners that we really like

Turning off the diesel sometimes instead of idling in air-conditioned comfort

Just to save a teeny bit of that there artificially expensive fuel

Adjusted my thermostat even though the kids just set there whining

Had to make some changes cause the bill’s gone through the roof

Gonna turn off the big screen when we’re not at home and maybe unplug it at night

Damn electric keeps on going up every single month

Ta hell with that fancypants overpriced organic shit

My kids’ll do just fine on white bread and them plastic-coated, factory-extruded hamburg logs

Look, I’m even walking all the way back out to the stinkin mailbox

Drivin to grammaws instead of flyin - Which I hated anyway

Cant afford to trade in my 2 year old SUV even if it does only get 10 MPG

So, but now I’m tryin to drive less than 20 thousand miles a year

Cutting back to generic cookies and not watching so many pay-per-views

That liberal climate conspiracy is costing us all a whole lot of money every day

The old lady’s not getting botoxed and her toenails got the colora yella baby shit

Gotta start savin somewhere, so first I cut out that stupid fitness center I never go to

It’s for sure we won’t be attendin that awesome church ski vacation this year

But we’ll still be able to ride our jet skis a few weekends out to the lake

Wonderin about this family plan that costs $200 a month for a coupla phones

After all I just spent 600 bucks on school sneakers the kids tore up in a week

Have to share less quality time with my boys now that bullets are $4 each

I’ll make it up to them though, at home playing them shooter video games together

Switching credit cards to get a lower rate for at least the next six months

Oughta free up some extry cash for when our mortgage rate resets again

Cuttin back on pert near everything just like they slashed my job and downsized my life

But still got enough time to catch NASCAR and the good old NFL on the bigscreen with a cold one

However, not gonna enjoy them growlin snow machines as often since they was repossessed

Waitin for the real belt-tightenin ta begin since them tax and spenders are in control

Cut out the produce and the fruits too - sos we could still have chips, cokes and Budweiser

Only seein the frickin ripoff dentist again when I cant stand the pain no more

Gotdamm dogs’ll have to get by cause they ain’t going to the vet again this year, either

Look - We’re makin some real sacrifices up in the heartland for the good of family, god and country

Marginalize Their Greedy Squeals

Cast out the amoral animals who for so long have set the agenda that led us into this mess

Throw out the fools who invented these various greedy, non-renewable ponzi pyramids

Go back to the best of the past and meld it to the New Green

Kick out those so-called free market, bulldoze-and-run, copy-and-paste developers

Because now they’ve had their 50 years of gluttonous and uncurbed, wanton destruction

Bring back respect and love for simply sustaining the earth and its treasures

Give up the worship of blind greed that has stolen so much without even paying interest

Root out the lie that it all must come down to the money, every single goddamn time

Wake up the financial innovators still caught in their wrung-out, unregulated NeoCon MLM schemes

Finally, even give peace a try, now that they have had their violent way for far too long

Bring back the dreams they so long have scornfully rejected without even a fair hearing

Their time is over now, so take a look around and simply review their accomplishments

Brush aside those who for too many years have labeled you as simple and foolish idealists

For they’ve starred too long in this show that has resulted in a dirty and unsustainable mess

Don’t bother to fight them, let’s just everybody move out quietly and head the other way

Forget their smash and grab, waste for today, foolishly noisy, selfish rationalizations

Get back in tune with the ancient song of the earth they still find so goddamn silly

Leave them to their phony memoirs but never forget their very real and very destructive lessons

Get them out of the way now, but not out of our history books

Quietly ignore their constant self-abusive hurry, anger, stress, noise and worry

Even bring back a bit from the sixties and we shall try to overcome, once again

Don’t struggle against them but don’t bother listening to them anymore, either

Ease them from power, leave them stewing inside their expensive locked and gated compounds

Clean up their messes, get on the right path and simply don’t let them do it again

Turn off their reasonless noisemakers and recycle their foolish gas-powered toys

Now we’ve seen their results and it’s time to straighten up and get started on our own

Go about your good business and leave them to strangle alone in phony suits and ties

Marginalize them with an overwhelming kindness and a smilingly-smothering concern

Herd them safely together like 1^st graders, in their own simple but noisy confusion

They had their best shot but now have walked away, tasking us with rescuing the future

Let a billion small voices overcome their scripted and poisonous corporate sound bites

Allow the sounds of nature to replace their random and self-centered advert nattering

Save more for those to come instead of stripping and wasting all we can now for ourselves

Smile politely as you pass by their lawn chairs, moving away in a different direction

Clean up their glossy spin along with all the careless litter they left on the ground

Forget their phony free market healthcare, education, environment and poverty solutions

Turn their toxic legacy into a great lesson that we shall never forget and never have to repeat

Junk their worn-out fantasy religious rationalizations and venal social darwinism

Free eroded corpro-conglomerated farm land from pesticides, fossil water and petro-fertilizers

Release our domestic animals from the ongoing holocaust their ignoble corporate masters perfected

Re-measure progress by the sustainable wild salmon harvest not by how many bloated SUVs they sold

Turn away from cynically smirking leaders reading with false twangs the speeches that others wrote

Suffocate them gently with soft pillows stuffed full of fluffy peace and love

Demonstrate that you understand them and then force them to listen to you for a change

Leave them squawking in meaningless, impotent rage - and then go post the video

Tax the living shit out of them in the name of those they have outsourced and displaced

Turn quietly aside and relegate them to a small but shrilly-whining margin

Don’t forget all their lessons and don’t let them back in power, ever again

Keep them aware of their results 24x7, wherever they choose to travel

Redistribute their pirated assets for schools, clinics, infrastructure and reclamation projects

Put them to work on chicken farms, in feedlots and bent painfully over in the onion fields

Convert some of their crumbling so-called trophy homes into museums of unvarnished greed

Preserve and combine names, dates and deeds into a twisted but cohesive history

Answer their last bailout pleas with empathetic offers of work at cleaning urban ERs

Busy their marketing and advertising geniuses promoting peaceful cooperation

Thoroughly safety test their adulterated, imported products on them, their families and their pets

Pester them with swindled widows, forgotten children, the uninsured and outsourced workers

Study their bios that their likes are prevented from ever again rising to power

Find ways to treat their greedy, monomaniacal, need to ignorant power with mercy

Set them savagely against each other in inconsequential and harmless competitions

Marginalize their greedy squeals for they led us to waste too much, for far too long