The Sound Logic of Conservative Policies

This credit debacle far outweighs their cutesy fuzzy pipedreams of whatever sustainable living

These unemployment figures must push the real poor further into the gray background

Decreases in tax revenues force us to slash funds for even studying climate change

In this economic downturn the ecosystem simply must take a back seat to family welfare

The financial crisis leaves us without monies for these so-called superfund sites

We must pare social spending to the bone to preserve our military preparedness

Alas, educational funding must suffer given the collapse of the holy housing market

Real healthcare reform will remain on the back burner until consumer confidence returns

Cleaning up our waters takes a back seat to restoring mindless consumer spending

Energy independence can be shelved again thanks to fracking & a temporarily reduced demand

Burdensome impact reviews must be put on hold to help jumpstart the precious economy

Expensive emission control procedures can be waived until the recovery finally takes hold

This discretionary habitat restoration must cease until our families begin buying on credit again

Personal responsibility can wait while we bail out both irresponsible debtors and lenders

Clearly this is not the time for some expensive, lifestyle-based disease prevention program

We certainly cannot impose costly deposits on recyclable materials during this crisis

Requiring power companies to stop acid rain could push customers over the edge

Mandating energy efficiency for electronics could hurt slumping sales even more

Saving old growth forests must take a back seat to temporary jobs cutting timber for export

We cant stop illegal worker abuses without threatening businesses and raising costs

Protecting our soil must now take a back seat to curbing factory food price increases

Underwriting investment banking gambles trumps making higher education affordable

We wont be rushed into phony climate change fixes but this huge bailout must be fast-tracked

To fight this crisis, patriotic coal-fired power plants will be permitted near national parks

Limiting worker chemical exposure imposes undue costs on already-stressed industries

Ethical treatment of animals must take a backseat to affordable factory protein for our families

Calls for smart growth sound pretty silly given these current dire economic conditions

We must pump trillions to the bankers while cutting back on unproven childcare programs

Overseas atrocities and starvation are secondary to rebooting our own hyper-consumption

Right now, rugged conservative straight talk must override shrill liberal whining

We cannot embark upon squishy socialist programs lest we jeopardize a fragile recovery

Unlike the planetary ecosphere, our investment banks are too big to be allowed to fail

It would be insane to radically increase gas tax now to rebuild the failing transportation grid

Regulations can wait until the bailout money has re-lubricated the noble financial system

Habitat preservation is for the birds when good families are suffering economic hardship

Fairytale wacko concerns must take a backseat given our ongoing economic uncertainties

Hey, We Got This, Right?

Pretty much got my punishment of having to start a little retirement savings figured out

Wasting the absolute minimum amount of time doing some lame health club exercising

Probably already cut back on donuts, fries, sodas and double bacon cheese stuff enough for now

Don’t think I’m drinking much compared to my old self or to others that I still know

Figure that our family’s finally driving safely what with the belts and all those air bags

Finally got the kids on the right meds after all the problems at their awful schools

Not even considering rolling our maxed credit cards over into the house for the 4th time

But seriously close to walking away from that totally unfair and underwater mortgage contract

No lead in our paint, asbestos in our walls, oil in our driveway or RoundUp on our lawn

Got smoke detectors that might work and a fire extinguisher stuck somewhere back there

Mom’s nursing home looks pretty nice and we always go visit her at least once a month

Regained my control thanks to political correctness, anger management and layoff fears

Keeping up with important current events courtesy of corporate-sponsored talking heads

Paying enough indulgences at the mega-church to ensure our whole family’s place in heaven

Think I’m really done using credit cards to buy stuff I really don’t need and for sure can’t afford

We’ll just keep our old SUV another couple of years even though the lease is a loser

Decided we can actually get by OK without going out to eat those 3 nights every week

Doing the things that mass-circulation magazines tell us smart money families need to do

Put a little recycling stuff out pretty much every week next to our large dumpster full of trash

Rebalancing our portfolio by buying stock since they keep saying it’s the best long-term investment

Carefully ingratiating myself to the bosses to try and avoid the next upcoming downsizing

Invested in some tools and gonna start that do-it-yourself thing real soon now

Bought a couple hi-tech light bulbs they say are greener and cheaper in the long run

Sitting down with the kids and their school work whenever I get home in time

Foiling my bad boy attitude with a rose a little bit now that my boss is a working mommie

Even spent some of my own lunch hour time last week reading a work-related article

Guess we wont be taking the family down to DisneyWorld at $500 per day this year

Turning up the intensity and duration of my prayers during this time of trouble

Got a fair amount of righteous indignation going over that whole meltdown bailout mess

Not forgetting that we simply must keep on investing even more in our National Defense

Even thinking of maybe a smaller house once this real estate panic settles down

Got my priorities on straight regarding the economy and this wacko environmental brouhaha

Unsubscribed most of the premium channels and cut off a few pay-per-view events

Let the finance company go ahead and take back the ATVs, jet skis and the snowmobiles

Looking real closely at this $200 a month cellphone bill and asking the tough questions

Yup, figure we pretty much got life under control by all the conventional media wisdom

Going Green...In My Dreams

Not going to waste any more precious fossil fuel on those many unnecessary daily trips

Finishing up with dumping my tons of thoughtless but nearly permanent CO2 emissions

No more dirty coal will over-warm my over-sized, un-insulated, leveraged dream home ever again

Won’t be polluting 200 gallons of good clean drinking water each and every day anymore

Won’t rip up any more productive farmland for shoddy, cloned, convenience strip malls

The oil on my driveway will stop leaking into that little stream every time it rains

The plastic bags I only used once will no longer choke our overburdened and leaching landfills

Won’t be so quickly casting all that devilish chinese shrink wrap into the closest dumpster

Wont be eating any more grains and vegetables impregnated with toxic runoff chemicals

No longer buying food that’s over-stimulated by oil-based pesticides and fertilizers

Done gumming pasty white bread which was watered by draining irreplaceable fossil aquifers

Stopped consuming proprietary, sterile, genetically-modified, corporate cereal crops

Wont be smashing glass bottles on rocks just to hear the noise they make while breaking

No more thoughtlessly tossing aluminum cans into the gaping mouths of garbage pails

Done casually flipping plastic containers aside the very moment they are emptied

Stopped thoughtlessly dumping out all that so-called waste paper I don’t want or need

Won’t be discarding much more cheap broken plastic shit from Asia without a second thought

Had my last freshly poisoned fruits shipped in from the far-off southern hemisphere

Wont be buying gas to fill my ATV that helps support terrorists in lands 10,000 miles away

Not paying any more taxes to have them outsource the war on terror there instead of here

Done kicking back and watching as we kill off the noble wandering albatross and dolphins

Not going to totally ignore the vanity poaching of the elephants and the tigers anymore

No longer going to let the salmon and the orcas be driven to extinction on my watch

Stopped driving up the price of sushi that is finishing off the magnificent bluefin tuna

Done sitting mutely as illiterate fools hoarsely destroy the living desert surface

Will no longer remain quiet as our wasteful recreation despoils the inland waters

Not continuing to wave politely to fat tourists shouting from atop noisy ATVs

Finished making excuses for loud smoking snowmobiles chasing game and littering

Wont be calling greedy shortsighted developers patriotic entrepreneurs anymore

No longer think energy policy is in my interest despite their smirking political assurances

Stopped believing that social progress emerges from politically polarized paralysis

Quit swallowing the repeated diatribes of artificial media conglomerate puppets

Hopping off the treadmill that I always ran as I looked forward to vacations I can’t even remember

Coming clean deep inside without the help of their evil-smelling embalming chemicals

Going completely green at last, without any overpriced and wasteful coffin: Yeah right!

Finally stopped making any carbon footprint at all. For I shall move no more forever

For Real Heartland Consumer Sacrifice

Well, I’ll give up my drive-thru lunch a coupla days each week

Just sos that I can take the OHV out with the boys on Saturday afternoon

I can get the old lady to cook shit out of cans or maybe even from like raw stuff

Instead of nuking up them pricey microwave dinners that we really like

Turning off the diesel sometimes instead of idling in air-conditioned comfort

Just to save a teeny bit of that there artificially expensive fuel

Adjusted my thermostat even though the kids just set there whining

Had to make some changes cause the bill’s gone through the roof

Gonna turn off the big screen when we’re not at home and maybe unplug it at night

Damn electric keeps on going up every single month

Ta hell with that fancypants overpriced organic shit

My kids’ll do just fine on white bread and them plastic-coated, factory-extruded hamburg logs

Look, I’m even walking all the way back out to the stinkin mailbox

Drivin to grammaws instead of flyin - Which I hated anyway

Cant afford to trade in my 2 year old SUV even if it does only get 10 MPG

So, but now I’m tryin to drive less than 20 thousand miles a year

Cutting back to generic cookies and not watching so many pay-per-views

That liberal climate conspiracy is costing us all a whole lot of money every day

The old lady’s not getting botoxed and her toenails got the colora yella baby shit

Gotta start savin somewhere, so first I cut out that stupid fitness center I never go to

It’s for sure we won’t be attendin that awesome church ski vacation this year

But we’ll still be able to ride our jet skis a few weekends out to the lake

Wonderin about this family plan that costs $200 a month for a coupla phones

After all I just spent 600 bucks on school sneakers the kids tore up in a week

Have to share less quality time with my boys now that bullets are $4 each

I’ll make it up to them though, at home playing them shooter video games together

Switching credit cards to get a lower rate for at least the next six months

Oughta free up some extry cash for when our mortgage rate resets again

Cuttin back on pert near everything just like they slashed my job and downsized my life

But still got enough time to catch NASCAR and the good old NFL on the bigscreen with a cold one

However, not gonna enjoy them growlin snow machines as often since they was repossessed

Waitin for the real belt-tightenin ta begin since them tax and spenders are in control

Cut out the produce and the fruits too - sos we could still have chips, cokes and Budweiser

Only seein the frickin ripoff dentist again when I cant stand the pain no more

Gotdamm dogs’ll have to get by cause they ain’t going to the vet again this year, either

Look - We’re makin some real sacrifices up in the heartland for the good of family, god and country