In My Staunchly-Conservative Christian Heart

In my heart I just know we have the best healthcare system in the whole entire world

Years of prayer have forged in me a belief that religious fanatics must be stopped

Deep inside, something tells me they are poor because they are both inferior and lazy

Our Traditional Family ValuesÔ are so deeply ingrained I never question where they come from

I take it on faith that abortion and gay marriage are weighty government social issues

For me, talking with my savior yields guilt-free and forever unquestionable decisions

I know in my heart that Social Darwinism is god’s chosen way and that I am an exceptionist survivor

The defense industry’s bogeyman message reverberates in me with a frightening ring of truth

In my heart I know they’ll create better new jobs – just as soon as they export all our old ones

I can believe simultaneously in personal responsibility and deficit bailout spending

Of course I should save, but social security is rightfully funded by pay as you go

The core values she instilled in me, drive me to visit my Mother once a week at the nursing home

My gut tells me that we cannot ever afford to go soft on defense, like those squishy liberals

Just looking at them, I know these precious children of mine will someday lead the world

Something deep within me whispers that our Savior must take a leading role in our governance

It is our sacred ancient belief that the government should remain forever outside of business

In my heart, the traditional values of jobs and money prevail over such as idle tree-hugging

I never question that many generations to come will shop and be entertained much as we do

Surely it is unequivocally right for our leaders to bid that God Bless America after every speech

Our collective wisdom warns that worn-out failed socialist programs should never be revived

I don’t need junk science or fuzzy math to know climate change is simply a costly con job

The wisdom of our forbearers guides us, though events 10 years ago are irrelevant history

I harbor deep-seated suspicions about resurrecting those failed liberal policies of the past

Litmus wedge issues vibrate in my heart, ringing with importance and self-evident truth

Well certainly, I know from their ads that our food supply is safe, humane and sustainable

It’s obvious to me that they’ll have found inexpensive alternatives once all the oil is gone

My heart knows that retaining focus on the current quarter’s GDP ensures all of our futures

I just know that invisible corporate leaders are selflessly charting a wise course for us all

I take on faith the dictum that no one has the right to limit our number of children

Our clear role as god’s fruitful stewards is to triage the natural world based solely upon our needs

Anyone can see that turning boggy, insect-ridden wetlands into suburbs is real progress

Externalities like air, water and habitat are simply no concern of government or business

Yes, I accept the need for hands-off bailouts based on the dire warnings of our leaders

Their knowing smirks and dismissive laughter strike true chords deep inside my heart

It is self-evident that we require neither expense nor sacrifice to stay our noble course

I am warmed by my certainty that our god has blessed only us, His one and only chosen people

Bring On Them Libtards

Gonna whip some Snowflake ass!

Let’s see these skinny vegan dope smokers stand up to our smirking spin doctors

Yeah, come on you queer, yellow recyclers, just try and make us sort thru our garbage

Think you’ll make us pay 6 bucks a gallon to fill up our muscular diesel pickups?

Just step on out here and we’ll show you what these extra pounds can do to you

Try and make me eat that tough grass-fed beef and I’ll show you a thing or three

Come around here and I’ll hose you down with this stuff I spray on my kid’s lawn

Jest get in the road and I’ll dust your puny bicycle with my powerful Dodge Ram diesel

Which one of you don’t wanna bailout my maxed out credit cards and reset mortgage loan?

Your little friends don’t like my snowmobile, well, I say dammit, just bring em on

You’re against my OHV, step over here brother and I’ll wring your turkey neck

You want to take away my jet ski but I’m here to tell you what - I’ll fight for my rights

We’ll whip your green asses if you say we support terrorists with every tankful

They caint make us turn down our thermostats or turn off the stinkin lights and TV

We’ll proudly idle in the drive-thru line and eat bacon double cheeseburgers, all we please

We’re stayin with the NFL and NASCAR and you go shove that whatever World Cup

You keep your fuzzy research and we’ll stick with the true facts of Creation Science

We’ll take you to the mat for our right to cheap Chinese imports down to Wal*Mart

We’re pushin back hard on your bullshit about our overeating and never exercising

Let’s just chainsaw them trees they’re hugging with em still hanging up above

Push their girly faces down into the fat tire tracks we made in them useless, muddy wetlands

We’re gonna end this abortion murder and if need be, we’ll kill to get her done

We’ll impale them showy gays with pitchforks and burn them with our torches

Tired of pushy government women hangin up on us after theyre done tellin us what to do

Bring them sheetheads on over here and we’ll hunt them down fer varmint bounties

Just try and make us eat all like salads and we’ll punch out your pasty faces

We’re sick and tired of hearing about the evils of donuts and the glory of tofu

Hell yes, let’s drill everywhere sos we can drive around alone, making lots of noise

Ain’t ridin no buses, scooters are for kids and feck yer teeny-weenie lectric cars

No way we’re trying to touch our heads to our butts doin this bullshit, faggot yogi

Veggies and fruit may be OK fer kids but grownup men need good red meat with ever meal

Meditatin aint got nothing to do with jesus word my friend, so you can jest ferget it

You can have yer overpriced artesian loaves cause traditional families like soft white bread

Let’s stone their botoxed pushy feminist leaders down at the county fairgrounds, just fer fun

You think we fight wars of liberation just sos you can go socialize our healthcare system?

Won’t give up this struggle til they peel the remote out from my cold dead fingers

So bring em on and we’ll take em on here, just like we done over there in Whateverstan

Creation Care Debunked

“Our ministry is grounded in the Bible’s teaching on the responsibility of God’s people to “tend the garden” through a faithful walk with our Lord Jesus Christ”  -  creationcare.org

Really, your bible is not some divine revelation demanding you gently steward his creation

You’ll score no points towards some fuzzy salvation by recycling all your crumpled diet soda cans

Your filth and waste is not being tallied to be balanced at some Victorian-style pearly gates

No Christ smiles down upon your efforts to re-create some fantasy Garden you never lost

Saving a little energy wont absolve you of a single one of what you dogmatically call sins

Creation Care cant help earn fuzzy eternal salvation points towards saving your fictional souls

Cleaning up the mess we’ve made isn’t part of your blurry, imaginary Master’s plan

The beckoning void will, however, still blindly accept you despite any of your niggling efforts

Restoring the ocean’s life earns as much redemption as tiredly fingering some rosary

Creation Care must recognize over-population, but He also commands that you be fruitful

No angels smile upon your efforts to preserve the gilded fantasy of His Christian creation

Talks with your personal savior will not have the slightest effect on climate change

There is, my brother, no god commanding that you rise up to smite back acid rain

Protecting rain forest won’t get you to your fairytale mega-church evangelical heaven

Planting a couple of trees wont absolve even one of your imaginary sins of omission

Saving charismatic species wont help grease your way to that hazily-imagined paradise

Preserving intact ecosystems wont justify your childlike faith in worn-out myths

Look, restoring salmon runs, saving rivers and cleaning the air is actually not the Will of God

You were not charged by Him with some vain exceptionist stewardship of His earth

Your Creationist illusions do not pertain to the life force you place yourself outside of

You have no divinely authorized responsibility to anally houseclean this blue-green planet

You are not called by old testament prophets to rise up against global warming

It’s not your sacred duty to save the ecosphere from heathen foreign polluters

Creation Care would better entail nurturing those saved-from-abortion children of unwed mothers

Saving the species which you find pleasing isn’t the road to your everlasting glory

For, does not God who is love also demand the extreme ecological devastation we worship as war?

This green role you grant yourself as part of your old hoax is simply a new advertising jingle

Your hubris-ridden efforts will be swept away without a trace in a single geologic epoch

Preserving critical habitat cannot curry favor with a stale God invented to control your ancestors

Creation Care, like its sibling Creationism, cannot be heard in the unified silence

Even the extreme sacrifice of your pickup for a tiny hybrid wont put you on the road to heaven

And what of the holocaust of the domestic animals that you had Him deem to lack so-called souls?

The power of your prayer will not bring back or save a single species from extinction

Your tiredly dogmatic religious brand cannot be re-packaged to co-opt ecological sustainability

You are not some warped image of your musty God, chosen to shepherd this random world

Your vain and literalist Creation Care is, at once, tearful, humorous and nauseating

But, Best of Luck!