Creeping Out

There creeping out and squeakin ther timid, whinin I told ya so’s

Sneakin by in them teeny used jap econo cars, they paid off so long ago

Bein real quiet fixin up they undersized fixed-rate homes all by theyselves

They’re cookin they own meals and stayin thin but seemin really nervous

Not drinkin pricey lattes or drivin out for lunch with they posse every day

Washin they own clothes and even hangin they towels outside on clotheslines

Walkin and ridin bicycles like the sissy girls they want us real men ta act just like

Cutting they emissions and savin on they energy costs, over there behint our backs

Beating our smoking snowmobiles into lamely quiet little green motor scooters

Askin us to tax and legalize them deviated buds theys always smokin

Payin off they credit cards each month without any finance chargis

Not even on their way towards high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes or diabetes

Creeping out after decades of what they call our scary wasteful foolishness

Trying to lead openly now by queer example instead of scuttling off to the side

Still stayin real quiet inside they downsized cribs and not even celebratin

Coming out among us in old clothes to buy parts to fix up they broken, repurposed, used shit

Even taking out their silly recycling mess right during the light of day

Filling up for a fourth of what we are pumping into our good ole giant diesel pickups

Carpoolin all like openly progressive together just to save a little CO2 and money

Not even callin on our ads for them big used Harleys with the payments so long overdue

Tiptoein right on by the exurban mega-church on they way to science classes

Havin fun conservin junk and enjoyin cutting down on what they think we waste

But still throwin lots of money away on organic vegies and grass-fed meats

Plannin on guttin out our great military to leave us open to foreign dEvE8s

Carryin they lame tofu and shit home in them filthy little cotton sacks

Squintin at the labels, checking out the calories, fat and additives and shit

Strappin wack expensive wind and solar junk up on toppa they well-insulated roovetops

Cutting off they lectrick crap at night to save a coupla pennies and some coal smoke

Startin to walk beside the roads even where we drive our SUVs and pickup trucks

Ain’t even bellyin up to the drive-thru line for shakes and fries and double bacon cheeseburgs

Whisperin something about health care starting with self-responsible pervention

Quietly lettin they nice lawns turn brown just to stop waterin and fertilizing and weed killin

Creeping out to the thrift stores stead of savin Chinese Big down ta the Wal*Mart

Tryin to like steal the motivation from the rich by redistributin they hard-earned wealth

Turning down they thermostats and wearin sweaters right in they squirrelly homes

Bitin at our heels on TV and shit then hightailin they green asses back to they tiny dens

Gettin ‘Merica Great Again

Gotta bring back cheap and really smoky diesel fuel for our honest, thrifty working men

Then they’ll be tradin up again to even further upside-down leases on even bigger pickups

Get em back to belchin smoke from good loud mufflers with that same patriotic pride

Stead of sneakin around like tree huggers with eggs beneath their gas pedals

We’ll refinance their houses for them and flush away those negative savings

Gonna give traditional families a place to draw out more unearned cash from china

All them re-financing deals should kick start our most innovative credit finance industry

And the realtors can start runnin up house prices for fat commissions once again

We’ll ditch this cockamamie greenhouse crap to protect our fragile economic recovery

No more bullshit about saving the planet because, look, people’s jobs are on the line here

Forget this sustainablility scam if it involves even the slightest expense or inconvenience

Get the asians ta slap them peasants in line cause we need more cheap imported junk

We’ll get these whatever Ārabs straightened out even if it takes a coupla lifetimes

A few hundred billion dollars each and every year ought to do the trick - Someday

Pretty soon a few of those like free elections will bring them heathens all like McDonalds and stuff

Our boys aren’t dyin in vain even if it has just been all wrong from start to finish

Bringing back the days when we just shoved it all into the trash and straight out the door

No more stupid packin and sorting through the garbage for them numbnut greenies

If they want it, they can pay me for it and come here and dive thru our dumpster to get it

Cause once it’s paid for, it’s mine to simply toss away and get on with traditional family life

Nowadays they aint no need to spend money on clean water since we all drink ours outta bottles

The kids can just go down to the pool if they want to go swimming in the summer

I never have time to go fishin anymore and the wife likes it better down to Red Lobster

Anyway, we can still get out on the boats and jetskis as long as we don’t get wet

Them good new jobs atomorra created after we all got outsourced are comin in real soon now, too

We’ll all be contributin to the consumer economy in our new service sector positions

Everybody’ll have good health benefits and a free retirement fund to draw from - Early

Yup, we’ll all be working on computer doin some kinda hi-tech financial services and shit

Coal is gonna give us a smoky, grimy-devastated, but energy-independent homeland

Honest patriot lobbyists will sacrifice sos we can crank up the uninsulated heat all winter long

We can point to the slag heaps and the dirty air and really be able to see our progress

Settin a lonely brave example for the developin world against that vast socialist CO2 conspiracy

We’ll cut taxes but hike defense spending and keep ignoring the whatever deterioratin infrastructure

Strappin on them fiscal cables for another jumpstart and bendin over for the next kickstart

Cause we really cant solve any other problems if the blessed economy has gone south

We’re gonna get back on track real soon now using creative, god-fearing entrepreneurism

A Snowflake’s Fictional Revenge

I just feel so terrible that these awful thoughts actually came out of me, a peaceful vegan socialist!

Casually ripped out the stakes they had carefully set to guide their yellow bulldozers

Slapped a ‘Supporting Terrorists With Every Tankful’ decal on the fat man’s morbidly obese pickup

Slashed their ATV tires as they were shitting and leaving their trash in the woods close to the road

Dragged corporate leaders from gated mansions and burned them at the stake for their outsourcing

Put some sharp rocks just under the surface where they took off drunk and shouting on their jetskis

Knocked over a faux-badboy’s financed Harley into the path of a vegan hybrid backing out

Replaced the cheese on their burgers with thick and slimy slices of pusy organic tofu

Played really loud country music when she brought clients for a showing in her leased BMW

Rolled up their well-tended lawns and dumped all their slimy home toxics back into their yards

Smashed out her tinted windows so I could clearly see her too-tight, heavily made-up, botoxed face

Ruthlessly forced them to speak clearly, read high-school level books and write complete sentences

Took a big dump on the seat of their powerful excavator and smeared it all over the steering wheel

Sent all their cosmetic surgeons off to Africa to work for Doctors Without Borders for a tiny stipend

Taxed the shit out of the gas they wasted and created energy independence with the money

Blocked all the drive thru take outs with a mountain of cast-off plastic fast food containers

Sterilized them and rescued their fatherless children if they hadn’t passed a minimal parenting class

Piped power plant emissions straight into the homes of the Clean Coal Initiative leaders & legislators

Charged them more by the gallon and the pound for their carelessly wasted water and unsorted trash

Smothered entire families far beneath their way-too-casually discarded plastic bags

Smashed up all the chips and the cookies in the fat women’s grocery cart and dared her to chase me

Made the board meet in their own fields as their dusters spread fertilizer and pesticides upon them

Grounded all their private planes until they had sense enough to get good mufflers put on them

Taxed ranchers on federal lands by letting the bears eat some of their cattle, without reimbursement

Brought our troops home and thanked them for all their brave but vanity-driven sacrifices

Dumped tons of their wasted advertising materials on property they were dishonestly pimping

Herded the lobbyists thru the streets as the poor children laughed and stoned them as schoolwork

Put up solar panels on every roof of the country right next to new wind turbines just to piss them off

Piped the exhaust from his remote-start, idling to warm up, pickup straight into his silly man cave

Sent the finance people to Somalia to innovate while living in mud huts and building new schools

Sentenced the investment bankers to chain gangs in the rural South without any possibility of parole

Shot out their nightlights whenever and wherever to set the stars free to shine once again

Punched the car salesman in the moth and bought what I wanted without paying any commission

Filled their clean and empty giant pickup beds with the oily runoff from their own driveways

Taxed the churches heavily, just like any other grasping, lying, fictional corporate pyramid scheme

Forced them to pay off their credit cards before they could finance another new big screen

Fined the politicians every single time they so lamely intoned ‘God Bless America’ in their speeches

That Threatenen' Wacko Agenda

Pushing to tax the word of Christ like it was some kinda giant pyramid scheme

Promoting an end to burnin honest Clean Coal for a life in the cold and fearful dark

Putting trees, birds, fish and like clean air up front of families, jobs and christian values

Want us all eating that slimy soft tofu instead of good old supersize cheese fries

They’ll give your kids hands-on sex education, even before they learn to read

Said real hot water washing and nice clothes dryers are horribly evil polluters

Trying to make us turn down our thermostats and pull on some old itchy sweaters

Sponsoring some crazy bill to regulate barbecue and even lawnmower emissions

Lobbying to put the rights of cows and pigs above the price needs of decent consumers

Opposed to credit card bailouts meant to bring relief to us honest working families

Wantin us all eatin shriveled up organic muffins instead of hearty krispykremes

Would have us all smoking that dope sos we forget all about their elitist policies

Don’t like your nice green lawn and aim to close up all the golf courses

They’d like to force you to pick through dirty trash for junk they say needs recycled

Stoppin outside developers from bringing us in them good new construction jobs

Wantin to limit the size of your house and how much electricity you can use

Tryin to shove abortion, gay marriage and school prayer into the background

Foistin their tired, failed socialist universal healthcare schemes on us once again

Pushin fool laws to take away our sacred right to bear arms

Gonna even tax you for those few extry pounds that make you look real husky

Makin you quiet down your pickups and Harleys sos they can hear the stupid birds

Bannin your blazin security nightlights cause they want to save energy and see whatever stars

Forcin real sacrifice on families just to set an example in their fool greenhouse gas scam

Corrupting our children’s morals with their godless fuzzy science and junk maths

Want you to pass a test and get a license to have kids even though our God says to be fruitful

Plan on gutting our military and leaving us open to all kind of evil foreign terror

These wackos target our traditional lifestyle with that job-killing, costly hoax of climate change

Why they even want you to carry groceries on a bicycle like some frickin peasant

Out to make Big Gulps more expensive and ban double meat bacon cheeseburgers

Sayin Cheetos are unhealthy and Mountain Dew’s got too much sugar and caffeine

Don’t even want you throwing out fast food cups and bags and all that other messy shit

They’re wantin to tighten up on credit is threatenin our hallowed consumer lifestyle

Don’t even recognize the sanctity of the NFL or the importance of NASCAR to our way of life

Wanting to steal our relaxation and comfort and turn us all into pencilneck vegans

Their nutcake ideas are costing us real money, jobs and convenience every day

That wacko agenda is eroding our traditional family way of life, even as we pray

Step Up And Respin Ourselves

ditch the profitable fiction that war is simply a matter of our own unchangeable genetics

quit going forth and multiplying dumbly and decrease our numbers to a sustainable level

put aside our mindless, noisy, smoking toys and simply ponder the wind in the trees for a moment

forsake shortsighted smash and grab profit for a 1000 year economy and a thoughtful culture

dump the devastating myth that only we were born with a soul in the image of our fantasy gods

remeasure our success by what remains for our those who perchance might follow us

respin our myths and make it our responsibility to pass on an intact web of life

realize that there are neither jobs nor money without an ecosystem to support them

abolish the sinful suffering we criminally inflict upon our domesticated brothers…

understand well their sacrifices and at least consume them with some recognition

integrate our brilliant but incomplete economic system into the natural world that supports it

abandon outdated notions that clean air and water are merely so-called free goods

quit ignoring our toxic byproducts, dead bycatch and long-lasting side effects

stop believing that a giant shoddily-built house is the ultimate in status and luxury

stay under the radar instead of trying to buy people’s attention on 28% interest credit cards

pay a deposit on that packaging and make manufacturers take back wornout goods

for god’s sake, save fossil fuels and subsidize solar, wind and thorium reactors

get our dumbass noses out of the middle east by getting off of their petroleum

stop wasting more than all the other nations combined on our so-called dEfense

don’t bother building 500 horsepower hydrogen vehicles that fall apart in 3 years

let’s not make things clean and efficient merely to support another 3 billion in poverty

forget about interstellar travel until we right this little space capsule called earth

tax the fossil fuel emission costs they have so successfully and so improperly externalized

stop rewarding uncontrollable greed, blind ambition and absolute egocentrism

end huge bonuses for exporting jobs and pollution to slave-based economies

just quit letting it all come down to money in the end - every single goddamn time

reverse bad decisions even if they were made in private talks with one’s personal savior

just set the example for a greener world instead of whining about what others should do

tax the fat and the lazy just like the smokers, the drinkers and the gamblers

understand: you ain’t bustin out of this pigsty and flyin off to some half-baked heaven

realize that they’ll never compete to provide healthcare for the poor or the sick

just accept that there really aint a market-based solution to every single problem

treat keeping quiet as a virtue instead of generating noise with everything we do

tax all of the franchised religions at corporate rates to fund forgotten social programs

kick back at the credit moneychangers and stone the payday usurers into a docile submission

stop believing in fairytale eternal compound growth and embrace a sustainable steady state future